BUTTERFLIES AND DOPAMINE HITS
I still remember the first ping of my BBM (Blackberry Messenger for those who can’t remember what that stands for). And then the flashing blue notification light. I had a message. The first message in a long series of text messages that would inevitably dismantle my life relationship and my life.
I was in a relationship that felt more like cohabitation than anything else. We said good morning, we went to work, we came home, we ate, we went to bed. Often at completely different times.
The relationship has been dwindling for quite some time. Then, after an explosive blow out a few months back, we were living almost completely separate lives within the same four walls. It was like living with a ghost. It was like knowing that someone was there, and that I was not alone, but knowing that I had never felt lonelier in my whole life.
Then I heard my BBM notification and I gasped. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach fluttered. A feeling that I hadn’t experienced in years.
I had messaged him earlier that day. He had helped me so much that season at work, so on the last day before Christmas break, I wanted to thank him and wish him a Merry Christmas.
I had called on him a lot that season to work through some issues we were having on a recent project. And every time I had to call him, I got just a little bit giddy.
Why was I feeling this way? Why was I excited to ask for help? I hate asking for help?
But was it an excuse to see him. To talk to him. And to see him smile when he came over as though he was happy to see me.
He saw me. And he was happy to see me. That was so foreign to me in my life. My partner barely made eye contact with me when he came in as he greeted me while still texting on his phone.
But this guy. He saw me. And he didn’t just see me. He would stare at me almost relentlessly.
If I didn’t know better, I would say he was into me.
Enter the first Dopamine hit. And that night, when he responded to my Merry Christmas message, was the next one. And there would be thousands more before our time together was done, and before I really understood the purpose of this relationship in my life.
But at that moment, that little dopamine hit was all I needed to become completely addicted and infatuated. I was loved. I was desirable. And that was the most addictive feeling I had ever experienced.
There was love for love for me. And every notification proved that to me and made me feel high with validation.
That was the beginning of the end of life as I knew it.